well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
bring money and cleavage
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
