Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
