Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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