if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
from now on my penis is your penis
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
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He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.