did you get engaged???
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.