so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor