If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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