Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
