Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
