how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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