i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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