I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
