this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
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I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.