I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.