I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
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I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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