Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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