She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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