I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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