Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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Vodka?
Forever.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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