so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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