Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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