You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
