what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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