well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend