The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.