Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize