Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
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Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.