dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
