so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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