I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
