we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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