Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.