That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.