We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.