I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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