So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
