im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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