can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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