Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.