Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
