Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
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You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.