I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.