I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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