dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
