Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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