There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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