i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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