I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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