I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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