I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
