I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will pee on everything he values.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
