If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
