you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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