Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
