if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
