everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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